Choosing Family Over Optics

Kim Gasco: [: 00:00:00

So it wasn't, I wasn't like, oh, worried about, how do I say this? What do I say? What do I just said to myself like, that's never gonna happen again. What do I need to start doing to make sure that doesn't happen? And there are going to be things that I make decisions about that are gonna make other people not happy and make other people say, but this is more important.

And my answer is gonna be, no, my family's more important and that's why I'm making this decision. I had a good example of that in that same role. It was probably, a couple months later, whatever the following year, but I had a meeting that I had been invited to in Germany and I had, it was a meeting that went through a Friday and I had a.

orked really hard for, to be [: 00:01:00

But the meeting was in Germany till five o'clock Friday. And when I looked at the flights, I realized I couldn't stay till five o'clock Friday 'cause I wouldn't have made it home for the meeting on Saturday. 'cause we were off far away. It wasn't like a direct flight, I think. And it was a meeting with a board member that was invited.

It was a big meeting, and I said to my boss, I can't stay till five o'clock on Friday. I need to leave by noon on Friday. For me to be able to get out in time. And he was very concerned about that decision and was very worried that it was gonna look really poorly on me. He understood, but he was worried for me that it was gonna look poorly on me to this board member that was coming, and you're gonna leave early and the board members there and et cetera, et cetera.

preciate your concern for me [: 00:02:00

We don't trust her judgment anymore and she doesn't have this job anymore. I didn't care. I just said I'm not doing this. I'm not missing, I'm not missing that recital. Like I committed. I was gonna be there and a, I wanna be, and to BI said I was gonna be there, so I'm gonna be there. And it, I left and I'm sure that they were a little annoyed and that was that like.

I still had my job the next day. And and those were the kinds of things that I feel like every time I did that, it made it easier and stronger for me to do, .

Alexa Beavers: we don't talk enough about the cost of being the reliable one. Today's episode is for anyone who's ever told you, you are so good at holding it together, and of course you feel a little good in that moment, but all the while those people are really wondering how long can that keep going on?

er a dream job. In fact, she [: 00:03:00

She was also the breadwinner, a mom and someone who prided herself on showing up strong. But when a long awaited vacation with her family arrived, she didn't feel relieved. She felt pissed. She was angry. That moment. What happened next? That became the wake up call that she just couldn't ignore. In this episode, Kim shares how she went from burnout to breakdown to boundaries and healing, and how choosing herself didn't make her less successful.

It made her better at work, better at home, and better for herself. In fact, today she shines. Let's hear it from her. Let's get into this episode of Transformation Unfiltered.

n resources experience. As a [: 00:04:00

From global leadership and learning strategies to diversity and belonging strategies, corporate social responsibility, talent management, and employee relations, just to name a few. These strategies that she's built have resulted in these companies placing in the top 100 great places to work and great places to work in technology.

that allow for authenticity, [: 00:05:00

And I think that's what's really her special sauce. Yes, those awards are incredible, but the ability to get to those awards is because she practices all of those things. Kim is certified with the College of Executive Coaching and Positive Psychology and Wellbeing Coaching, and the National Board of Medical Examiners and Wellness Certification.

She's certified in Psychological safety, EQI 2.0, Korn Ferry Learning Agility, and Kaplan DeVries. LVI 360. Kim holds an MS in human performance from Southern Connecticut State University, and a BA in politics from Fairfield University. She lives in Bethlehem, Connecticut and stays busy with playing lots of tennis, having fun with her two adult daughters, Emma and Suso.

And helping to bring good things into the world by leading with authenticity, empathy, and wellbeing. Kim, thank you so much for joining us today.

Kim Gasco: Thank you for having me.

and talk a little bit about [: 00:06:00

Kim Gasco: I am. Yes, I can do it. This was a significant moment for me and continues to be a really good reminder for me every day. 'cause it's something I struggle with every day. So this was probably 17 years ago.

and the kids were, tired but [: 00:07:00

And I was getting more and more agitated and annoyed obviously tired from the week before, whatever it was that led me to that vacation day. And I, got more and more agitated and started getting more emphasized about, I may knock it off, stop it. And she finally. W just started laughing, spun around and winged her arm across and knocked the lamp off.

did I just go too far? And I [: 00:08:00

I completely lost it on her. And I remember the reason it was just so significant to me was because I remember yelling and like screaming at her, like in her face, getting like really close up to her face. And yelling. And I remember it wasn't like I was gonna physically, physically do anything.

I didn't feel that at all. But I was screaming at her and I remember literally feeling like this out of body moment. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. I remember feeling this bo at a bottom moment where I could like, was above myself and I was watching myself do this and I was.

horrible. And she started to [: 00:09:00

I felt horrib, horrible and even guiltier. And I continued to scream and I remember thinking this out of body moment what are you doing like this? These are the two most important things in your entire life. Like you would, obviously run in front of a train for these two creatures.

Stop. Like, why can't you stop yelling at her?

Alexa Beavers: this is a very tender moment that you're sharing with us. I'm gonna recap what I'm picking up. So you were a global pharmaceutical executive going across the Atlantic, and finally it's time for vacation with your family, right?

Who you love, and you have two little girls. Te, would you mind telling us how old they were at the time? Again?

Kim Gasco: So I think they're about four and seven.

Alexa Beavers: Oh, okay. So I'm picturing a little girl who has just knocked something off and you're just sitting there

Kim Gasco: freaking

this isn't the Kim that I'm [: 00:10:00

The confident. Kim what's running through your mind as you retell this moment?

Kim Gasco: that is so interesting. Alexa. It just I think guilt and shame, just that's funny that you say, my hand going to my mouth just, and isn't that interesting? I wonder if it's stop yelling. I wonder if that's a subconscious. That's interesting. Body gestures then, but yeah, just horrible.

Guilt about it and shame. I feel like shame is a really strong word, but yes, that's what it was. And what it probably, is for me it's, and it's just I also think the moment was so like, I don't know, momentous or monumental whatever for me, because it was so ironic, right? That. It wasn't like after a workday necessarily.

shocking. It was shocking to [: 00:11:00

Yeah.

Alexa Beavers: sounds like you were saying you almost were watching yourself

Kim Gasco: I totally

Alexa Beavers: in and thinking, what the heck is

Kim Gasco: Who is this? Yes, that is what I was thinking. Who is this? What

Alexa Beavers: What did that person watching? See if you were gonna, so I appreciate where you're coming from as a mom of three kids, who was, who has been there

Kim Gasco: Yeah.

Alexa Beavers: in those moments, what were you watching yourself do?

What did that look like?

Kim Gasco: It was like anger that I could not stop. I remember thinking like, it actually feels good in a way to be like yelling. ' cause it was just anger that I couldn't I couldn't stop. And totally out of control, like feeling I cannot stop yelling right now. This feels totally out of control.

Yeah.

Alexa Beavers: What did your little, what did your kids do at that moment? What were they

-year-old [: 00:12:00

And what really stopped it was. Their dad, my husband grabbed, took both of them and just took them both by the hands and pulled them away from, away from this me the situation and said, okay, mom needs a minute. Mom needs a minute. We're gonna just walk. We're is gonna go take a walk while she takes a minute.

And, and takes a breath or something like that. And that was really, it was an intervention when I think about it. That was thankfully very much, thankfully he did that. And it stopped. It stopped me and he walked them out of the room and then I remember just sitting on the bed crying 'cause it was terrible.

tender but scary moment and [: 00:13:00

Kim Gasco: Yeah, totally. A hundred percent.

Alexa Beavers: What do you attribute that episode to? What, how do you think you got to that point?

Kim Gasco: I was in a global role at the time, and which I loved, by the way. I loved it. It was great experience. It was great work. It was hard, but it was good. And, but I was doing a ton of traveling and like the fundamental things that I should have been getting. I wasn't like normal sleep enough, exercise, good nutrition we all know the fundamental things that we should be doing which I'm usually, I usually have always had a good routine around those things.

was the primary breadwinner [: 00:14:00

That's all. I, that's all I could describe is like how I used to always. I just, I think I used to, and by the way, if I ever felt anything like sore on my body, it was always my shoulders. And so I really, I know that I literally felt like I was carrying a weight on my shoulders. That is how it felt.

And it, and nobody was telling me to do that. No one was de like demanding that I do it right. I a hundred percent put it on myself and felt like I have to do this. This is, I'm carrying it. It's my role to take care of the family. I have to make sure I'm successful in this and effective because this is my role.

standard. And I think I was [: 00:15:00

I'm sure it, I'm sure it was resentment again, in this ironic, weird way because nobody was demanding that I do it right. But I completely put this on myself and then I was resentful about the fact that I was carrying it all. it's like a ma, it was like a self-made problem.

Alexa Beavers: I think that a lot of our problems can be self-made and then as we go, we train others to begin to expect that's normal for us. One thing that really stood out to me when you were talking about being in that moment is it felt good to be screaming and get this out, and I think that sounded a little bit to me, like there something had to come out and it was gonna come out somehow.

Kim Gasco: Yeah.

g of the weight. This wasn't [: 00:16:00

So did this lead you to any aha moments along the way? What did you learn from that?

Kim Gasco: Yeah, I mean for sure. That was. I think I did obviously that vacation was definitely a tipping point for me where I realized, okay, this is not productive.

That can never happen again. And Okay. If that's the worst thing I do as a mother alright, okay, that was, that wasn't great, right? But it's okay. That was it. And what do I need to do now to help me not ever have ever happen, have that happen again? And that's when I really started that journey.

and traveling and nutrition [: 00:17:00

And so I don't think that was at all in any way easier or perfect, but I just got more conscious about it. Like, how do I really try to stay in my routine when I was traveling, which I did get much better about, which was very helpful. And then the, the emotional, mental piece was much harder around how do I start to try to let go this, I have to carry it all, feeling.

I had to start to ask for more help I had to, I, or and even just asking for what I needed. Like I realized at home it wasn't that. My husband was like refusing to, I just wasn't asking, I just wasn't asking. I never said you know what, I really do need you to go handle this bill or pick up the kids next weekend, or, and like some of it too is permission for myself too.

e an additional commit. Like [: 00:18:00

Like I did, was getting nothing for myself. And

Alexa Beavers: out.

Kim Gasco: yeah. And then I think I did have that realization of okay. And if you try to keep doing both these things, how's that working for you, Kim? Like now the thing that you were so worried about, like having time with your kids. Is that how you wanna have time with your kids screaming at them?

No. So I started to be a lot more conscious about not feeling guilty about saying I, on the weekend when I did get home I need to sleep in on Saturday morning. I need to have an extra hour of sleep, or I do need you to go drop them off at that play date Saturday.

He didn't care. He was like, sure. I just not asked,

Alexa Beavers: i'm wondering like, when it comes to not asking, and also you know, the self-imposed high standard, where do you think that, how, where did that come from?

think that it's I was raised [: 00:19:00

And again, as an adult now looking back, knowing that he never wanted, would've wanted to put that on. I think he struggled with that his whole life and I'm certain that he would not have wanted to put that on me. But that's what happens, right? I think I got that. I think I always felt that.

And so I think I just.

Alexa Beavers: It was your normal, maybe my dad doesn't ask for help. I don't need to ask for help. We all just

Kim Gasco: We figure it out. Yep. Exactly. Exactly.

Alexa Beavers: A certain degree of that is healthy, right? What I mean, and.

I do, I did take that global [: 00:20:00

Like I was like, I can do it. I can figure it out. I can. So there's lots of things in my life that I've jumped into that maybe others wouldn't have, and I'm very grateful for doing it. And it was a great, and it's great experience and I'm glad I did it. And the learning is I could be more aware before I make decisions about things like that.

Like what are the implications of this, right? Do I, what are the risks? What are the implications? Do I really wanna. What is the whole picture of this before I say yes to something? And if the answer is yes, then what system around me do I need to support this decision, right? So that I can still be healthy and happy and I just don't need to do it all.

move on. It's Saturday. Like [: 00:21:00

Alexa Beavers: can I ask you something about a word you just used?

Kim Gasco: please.

Alexa Beavers: Or a phrase, it was what I love, I think it's, there's a lot of lessons in this, but it was what, when I make this decision, what support do I need around me? So to support that decision? And I'm curious why you didn't say, to support me.

Kim Gasco: It's a great question because that. Is a difference. It is around supporting me. You're right. It's again, it's a kind of this is it okay that I am, I'm the one that is now impacting others through my decision. That's how I think I always look a lens through, right? Is like, how is this impacting other people versus is this good for me?

bout how I came to know that [: 00:22:00

Kim Gasco: And that's, it's so interesting, Alexa, that was your. Perception, which is amazing, and it's like really, it's just, it's great for me to hear that because I do feel like I got very clear on my family priorities after that incident. I do feel like I got very clear with myself, and what was so interesting was when I was very clear and aligned to it, it did feel easier and it did feel so easy to be clear.

So it wasn't, I wasn't like, oh, worried about, how do I say this? What do I say? What do I just said to myself like, that's never gonna happen again. What do I need to start doing to make sure that doesn't happen? And there are going to be things that I make decisions about that are gonna make other people not happy and make other people say, but this is more important.

f that in that same role. It [: 00:23:00

Guitar recital that I was gonna attend the next day with my little one, the 4-year-old. And she had worked really hard for, to be ready for this guitar recital and I was gonna be there like, period. It wasn't a question. And when I got invited to this meeting that I needed to be at, which was fine.

But the meeting was in Germany till five o'clock Friday. And when I looked at the flights, I realized I couldn't stay till five o'clock Friday 'cause I wouldn't have made it home for the meeting on Saturday. 'cause we were off far away. It wasn't like a direct flight, I think. And it was a meeting with a board member that was invited.

look really poorly on me. He [: 00:24:00

And it was not even a question for me. I was like, yep. That's, I appreciate that your sup. I appreciate your support. I appreciate your concern for me and. I'm leaving at noon on Friday and whatever that means I'm okay if that means that board member is gonna say, this is such a horrible decision on her part.

We don't trust her judgment anymore and she doesn't have this job anymore. I didn't care. I just said I'm not doing this. I'm not missing, I'm not missing that recital. Like I committed. I was gonna be there and a, I wanna be, and to BI said I was gonna be there, so I'm gonna be there. And it, I left and I'm sure that they were a little annoyed and that was that like.

what you then saw, which is [: 00:25:00

That's my other, that was my learning, right? You didn't get fired, you're still getting your work done. A and you're enjoying, you're actually enjoying your time with your kids more, right? You're not, and you'll never, and you'll never did your screaming in the face thing again.

Alexa Beavers: That's wonderful. I think it sounds like you've learned to where your values were and then once you were

Kim Gasco: Clear?

Alexa Beavers: to be clear, you put the things in place to support you and your job and your kids in the right amounts. You said something about your tactics. One, you started taking really good care of your body.

Kim Gasco: Yep.

Alexa Beavers: Mind, your sleep, your physical, your exercise. You also said it was a little harder to deal with the emotional and mental side of that, so can you talk a little bit about how you nurtured yourself in that zone too?

his is I still struggle with [: 00:26:00

Is just that when you start to hear that voice, it was just for me, like knowing that it's almost like a circle. Like the more you practice it and the easier and clearer it becomes, then you realize oh no this does feel good, right? Like it is okay. And so knowing when you experience it and you're like, it's all gonna be okay, nothing's gonna fall apart.

It's a little bit uncomfortable maybe, right? The first time you try it and then it's okay. So reminding myself I think of that was, was a strategy, like being aware of it and then reminding myself to say, okay, you did this last time and it all worked out okay. You done this before, you can do it again.

w I try to manage that. Like [: 00:27:00

Like nothing. The world was not gonna fall apart, so I do think experience is it's wisdom. That's what happens, right? It's like going through it and then being able to look back and say. Everything was okay,

Alexa Beavers: I love that you have that viewpoint. In hindsight, I'm curious, as you learned these things and were able to, get that flywheel of, positive reinforcement that, oh, nothing broke, nothing fell down. I'm still good. Me and my kids are having fun together. I'm still excelling in my career.

I'm getting new opportunities and, I'm rocking it. How did this kind of behavior catalyze, the next steps in your career? What did it do for you?

Again, clearer about my, my [: 00:28:00

I am back working for a company now, which is also super fun. So it's been back and forth, but I think taking that jump, taking the risk of doing my own consulting thing, was again was alignment to my values around this is the balance I want in my life. I want, and again, during the time I did it, it was like the right timing.

That was the timing for me that I knew would work and give me the balance I wanted. So I just think it's, it was confidence in like future decisions about what I wanted to do with my career.

Alexa Beavers: One of the things I'm hearing from you is you gained confidence in your ability to make choices about what was right for you in the moment. Before you were at the whim of this like oppressive voice that said, you gotta do it all.

Something I thought was like [: 00:29:00

Alexa Beavers: I love it. And now you can engage with that voice and see it, but then. You don't have to necessarily do that automatically. You make choices.

Kim Gasco: exactly.

Alexa Beavers: Yeah. So you did say that with time comes wisdom. What advice would you give to somebody that was maybe, or, 15 years earlier in their career, do you have any kind of words of wisdom to share?

Kim Gasco: I guess I just, it's what I've been saying, which is I try to trust your gut, right? Trust your, the inner wisdom that you have. You have. The answer, you just need to listen to it. And when you trust enough, when it's really scary and you're like, should I really be listening to this?

if I could have looked back, [: 00:30:00

And think about the things that I was so worried. Exactly. Like the things that I thought was, were gonna fall or break or, fall off my shoulders, right? Like they just didn't, and. And if you think about fast forwarding, to what you want your life to have looked like, right?

What your priorities, you wanted those priorities to be, I think you wanna get really clear on that and then just test it. Try it. And when you try it will not be as hard as you think. That would be my. I know it's hard to do it it's like jumping without the net. But but that is definitely the wisdom I learned and if I could just give that to somebody and say, I promise you it's gonna be okay, that's what I would give

Alexa Beavers: I love it. And that thing about getting clear on what you want your life to look like and then trying something to reinforce that check and adjust. When you think about what you want your life to look like, what is the thing to get most clear on?

I said. I loved my work. It [: 00:31:00

It was exciting. It, I grew a ton from it. It was a good stretch for me in all those ways. In learning about culture, in learning about, working with different people and all of that was great. So that to me is the, what is like the work was what I wanted to be doing. So I didn't wanna compromise that.

That's another piece, right? Like it wasn't, to me, I was like, but then why is that? Like why should I have to give that up? I didn't have to give it up. I could do both. I could. And so that's to me the how is how you manage this is what you really love doing. I do totally believe in that.

Like I think if you don't love what you're doing, go find something else a hundred percent. Or find a different culture, that maps to you better. And. Be clear to your point on how you want your week to look like, right? What is the percentage of the day doing what, how you want it to look like, and then map it.

[: 00:32:00

Alexa Beavers: That is amazing advice, and I think that some of the things that you learn to do along the way allow you to live the life you want. That's by design instead of by default,

Kim Gasco: oh, Alexa, I love how you sum things up.

Alexa Beavers: Thank you, but I think it's, you said it all. I just put it in those words, but I think it's something to really take a look at. At any stage of your life, are you living the life by the of your design or are you living by default? And when you live by design, incredible things are possible. They shine from the inside out.

Kim Gasco: a hundred percent.

Alexa Beavers: Kim, thank you so much for spending some time with us and sharing your wisdom and your, I feel like you should put your whole heart out here for us, and I think that's so generous and it, I appreciate you for being brave.

Kim Gasco: Thank you.

Alexa Beavers: Where can people talk to you if they wanna learn more about you and what you bring to the table and your journey?

connect with whoever. Yeah, [: 00:33:00

Alexa Beavers: In the show notes, we'll put your LinkedIn profile, Kim Gasso and people will be reaching out. And I'm excited for them to get to know you as I have over this last conversation. But I got the benefit of knowing you a little bit before as one of my biggest mentors. So in takeaway, what I'm learning is that. Before you know it, you could be living a life in default. A life in default means you're not doing the things that are aligned to who you are, and suddenly you'll find yourself not even recognizing yourself in a certain moment because eventually it's gonna fall off even no matter how good you are.

So what Kim has taught us today.

sy lessons along the way and [: 00:34:00

Thanks, Kim.